Dream
by mylatestmistake
Summary: New Moon, a glimpse into Edward's mind. Takes place right before Alice goes to visit Bella. Edward's POV. Angsty. One-Shot. Reviews and constructive criticism greatly appreciated.


This is supposed to take place during the gap in New Moon where we lose track of Edward for some three hundred pages or so. This is near the closing of that time as Alice is preoccupied having the vision of Bella "committing suicide." Not the happiest story. Reviews are great, seriously, positive or negative, feedback is appreciated. And the title needs some work, I'm open to suggestions.

**Disclaimer: **Why, yes, I own Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn. In fact I own multiple copies of each, however Edward and all other mentioned characters and plotlines do not belong to me.

Dream

**Edward's POV:**

I'd begun to lose track of time a long while ago. I could hardly differentiate between the days and nights; it all ran together. After all, there was no measure of time in hell. At least, that was what it felt like, one immeasurable moment. Torture. The only reason I even bothered to glance at the date was to attempt to find where Victoria might be. How far she could have gone.

Painfully, each moment passes, another blow to my damaged, silent heart tearing out a small piece of what was left. It seemed impossible that it could keep hurting. Soon enough my heart would be gone entirely. Leaving piece-by-piece, returning home. To her. I couldn't feel anything but the pain.

I hoped, in vain perhaps, that one day I could bring myself to smile at the ache. After all it meant that Bella, my Bella, was safe. As much as I wanted to be pleased that I had managed to stay away, I knew how close I was to breaking. And how pointless that would have made it.

Not each breath of unnecessary air, the so-called distraction Victoria presented, nor the thrill of the hunt could keep my mind off my angel. Each tick of the clock reminded me of the time I was wasting. Each tick was one more of her numbered heartbeats that I was missing.

As much pain as I was in, that I knew she must have had a share of with each wound my presence had inflicted, I couldn't bring myself to regret coming to Forks. Though I knew it would be better if she'd never met me, neither of us would have been hurt, besides her usual stumble. But for the briefest of moments I was complete and I'd like to believe she'd found something in me as well.

I remembered that feeling, of needing nothing in the world and being content with only the beat of her heart and her face smiling at me. As I closed my eyes to see the ghost of her that remained in my mind I could feel the hole inside me as prominent as ever. I could feel myself being pulled apart and I nearly screamed from the pain of it. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, trying to hold myself together. I opened my eyes trying to shake the vision of her. Each moment I spent with her memory only tempted me more.

I looked around trying to find something to distract me. I found much of the same rubble I had since I left her. I was in a cheap hotel on the edge of some obscure town in Texas. Jayton, maybe. All I really remembered of how I got here was the road flying by underneath my tires. I was sitting on the edge of the bed next to a bag with a set of clothes I'd picked up at a truck stop when I had to gas up the car. A T-shirt and a pair of jeans.

I could almost hear Alice sigh, as she did each time Bella showed up in simple attire. At that thought I could feel my frame start shaking with silent sobs. I waited them out, knowing they would come whether I willed it or not.

I slowly unfolded myself, standing up and walking over to the miniscule bathroom to fulfill the reason I'd stopped. I undressed quickly and ran the water in the shower, stepping in without waiting for what a human might deem an appropriate temperature. It was all the same to me. The steady pounding of water on my back was soothing but not enough to really ease my pain. Memories flashed through my head. Bella and her "human" moments.

Her face flashed through my head again. I remembered watching her sleeping, her face so peaceful. I remembered realizing I had to protect her, then later realizing the only way to do that. I'd watched her that last night, listened to her breathing, her heart. I closed my eyes flashing through and focusing on each time she'd smile. Each smile she would smile again, in a life free of the plague of danger I'd brought her.

I turned the shower off and stepped out feeling myself shift into autopilot. I hardly paid attention to what I was doing anymore. It was routine, mundane. All I had was memories of my sweet Bella. The rest was monotony.

I wasn't even sure where I was going. What was the point? I knew what I had been looking for all my life. I'd found her. And now there was nothing to find. I looked at my reflection in the mirror, noting the toll being away from my other half had taken on me. At least she could smile without fear. She would live as she never could when I was in her life.

Before long I found myself back on the bed once again trying to hold my body in one piece.

Time for the second part of my stop. It had been over a month since I'd last called Carlisle, but he knew I would call when I was ready. It had been a long time since I would open my phone to find several missed calls each week.

I always tried to time the calls when Carlisle might be at work, or the others at school. I was gutless, I couldn't stand hearing the pain in his voice, knowing that I had caused it. And Esme, she must be suffering too, with the family spread out. Still, I never managed to get the voicemail, I suppose Alice saw to that. It was foolish to try and hide anything from her, yet I still hoped she might slip up.

I dialed the same number I'd dreaded since I'd left them and waited while the phone rang once, twice, three times. At which I was expecting someone to pick up, as they always did when I was getting my hopes up that they had managed fine without me, and were living just as they loved to. It rang a fourth time and I heard a familiar voice say "You have reached Dr. Carlisle Cullen…" I waited for the message to trail off and briefly described where I was, how I was planning to head to South America next on a lead I picked up. I reiterated my wishes for Alice to leave Bella be, as I knew she had the most trouble with it, and said a brief goodbye.

I momentarily wondered what Alice had been doing that had kept her so busy that she hadn't seen that I was about to call, but it could not hold my interest for long.

I planned to wait out the night in the hotel room to avoid arousing suspicion. This had become a routine of mine each time I stopped. I laid back on the bed and closed my eyes, mimicking sleep that was beyond my grasp. I spent this night with Bella, laughing, talking, hearing her voice as clear as it had ever been. This was my dream. My dream that could never be. I hummed her lullaby and listened as she slept soundly.

In her groggy, unaware state I heard her say the words that could save me coming straight from her subconscious, for once not editing her thoughts. This was my one true insight into her mind. "Edward, I love you."

And for that moment, I allowed myself to dream, to imagine that after all I had put her through, she still loved me. That she hadn't moved on, that I could still sit on her windowsill and hear her say those words. But, like all dreams, it came to an end. As the sunlight peeked through the cheap curtains that adorned the window, I sat up and stored that night away with the other dreams. Nothing more than a wish, one I knew would never come true. I tried to smile, happy that she would move on without me, but I once again felt myself shaking with tears I couldn't cry.

"Bella, I love you too," I whispered to the stale air through gasped breaths. Savoring the last moment of her, knowing that we would never be again.


End file.
